we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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