dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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