by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize