I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
