Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
