just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
