my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
