I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
