Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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