giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
