my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
