In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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