Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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