she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
