im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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