I wish I could teleport
and she was petting her beer can
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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