When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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