You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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