I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
