Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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