Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
