Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Your dad touched me again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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