Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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