Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
