where does the pee come out of this thing
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
