My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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