i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
