I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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