Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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