i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
