its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
