Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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