woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
