i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We just shotgunned beers for America
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
