Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
