He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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