so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
