a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
