i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™