he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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