Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
