She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
