last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
