Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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