hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
