I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
