You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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