apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
