I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
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I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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