just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
