Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
