I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
