I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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