i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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