Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
