I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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